I stepped on the scale today.
Not to get my weight. I just couldn’t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I wish my condoms had little jokes on them, instead of in them.
According to MyFitnessPal, I have been dead for 6 weeks.
*turns on shower*
*checks TL real quick*
*floods the entire neighborhood*
If I was a superhero, I would be “not right now” man.
This lady cashier asked me if I wanted it “double bagged”…I said “No, you’re not THAT ugly…”
And that’s why I’m not allowed in Target.
Eating a solid brick of Ramen is probably the easiest way to remember I need to pay the water bill.