[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
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I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857