Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
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Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.