you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
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Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
got so much cardio in today