Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
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I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire