My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
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every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
when someone compliments me
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.