I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
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Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
some Old Testament wisdom
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.