I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
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Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Education is vital
My therapist after every session
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene