If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
You Might Also Like
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work