This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
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My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Me recordaron éste meme
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already