To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
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Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.