When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
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her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Mornin
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]