Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
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Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Me, in DM rooms…