GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
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Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.