billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
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Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Spring of Deception
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.