After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I never needed anything more in my life
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s