[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
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I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.