The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
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If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”