i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
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I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat