My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
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They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs