guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
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Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Oh my God.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
You deplete me
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.