My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
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If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]