safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
patient: i wanna feel young again
doctor: have you tried moving into a bad apartment and selling marijuana
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
WORKER: so do you want that
WORKER: what else
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper