@Chumpstring

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

@Chumpstring

patient: i wanna feel young again

doctor: have you tried moving into a bad apartment and selling marijuana

@Chumpstring

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

@Chumpstring

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

@Chumpstring

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

@Chumpstring

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

@Chumpstring

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

@Chumpstring

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper