twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
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If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Damn what did I do next
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.