@Chumpstring

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

@Chumpstring

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

@Chumpstring

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

@Chumpstring

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

@Chumpstring

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

@Chumpstring

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

@Chumpstring

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

@Chumpstring

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

@Chumpstring

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

@Chumpstring

[cop car jeopardy]
Me: confiscated items for $200
Alex: this green p-
Me: what is marijuana?
Alex: yes
Cop: be quiet back there
Me & Alex: k