Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
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My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?