Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
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Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.