[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
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Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
same vibe as tangled headphones
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.