My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football