M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
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crazy
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
That lamp looks PISSED.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?