My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
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Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.