Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
You Might Also Like
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
every. time.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.