If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
You Might Also Like
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess