[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
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My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I really had high hopes for this year though
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.