H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
This made me smile…
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”