Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
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you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Wednesday
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?