Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
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My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done