Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
You Might Also Like
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
three things we don’t talk about
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.