I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
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[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Basically.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
scares
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.