2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
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keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.