Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
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ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven