Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
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What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢