My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready