Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
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Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
You can’t outrun your problems…
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away