me: we have a problem

her: what

me: we got invited to a coldplay concert

her: i love coldplay

me: we have 2 problems


her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am


fed ex guy: here’s ur package

me: thx

fed ex guy: sign

me: [blushing] scorpio


me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one


her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen


CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what


me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what


COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk


me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda


her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one