A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Always a metermaid never a meter
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!