oh good, now I can stop drinking
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I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.