I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
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Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
What’s so funny?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers