GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.
ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
REPUBLICANS: I can’t believe Trump won.
DEMOCRATS: I can’t believe Hillary lost.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter!
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.