[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
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5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
From my Mom
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired