Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
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Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Animal poetry
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.