I’m not proud
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I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
A leaf blower, but for people.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
What my back needs
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er